Okay, everybody, gather 'round.
Who knew it was "bring your girlfriend to work" day? She is not my girlfriend.
Judy is a CPR doll, and the hardest-working girl in this diner.
Oh, Han, you shouldn't bring your sex doll out in public.
This is not my girlfriend or a sex doll! Earl, come over.
We're going to use Judy to learn how to resuscitate.
I have a "do not resuscitate" clause, as in, I do not resuscitate others.
Oleg.
What's up, Han? Oh, hey, Judy.
How do you know Judy? With a torso like that, she gets around.
Okay, I will demonstrate.
Oh, no! Judy's choking on something! Well, we know it's not you.
First you have to tilt the head back and clear the airway and blow.
Oh, Max, I think we're witnessing his first kiss.
Fourth, thank you very much.
Han, why are you wasting your time kissing her? She doesn't have any arms.
Just go for it.
What's up, everybody? Big day today.
Not as big as Christmas, but still marks the arrival of someone very blessed: Me.
Yeah, we get it.
You talk about your birthday more than Kanye West talks about Kanye West.
Caroline, I thought you would be crying.
Tears on your birthday have become as expected as an ex-Disney star going to rehab.
Why would I be sad? I have my health, a business that's budding Boobs that aren't.
I don't believe in birthdays.
You're only as old as you feel.
Which makes me nothing years old.
Speaking of nothing Caroline, are we still on for Two Boots pizza tonight? I'm closing the diner early in honor of your birthday, and just not because the city has demanded to look into the black mold situation.
Absolutely, Han.
You can have one slice with two toppings or two slices with one topping, and my birthday cake is a free flan 'cause I flirted with the dishwasher.
Caroline, sweetheart, if I was you, I would just put my head through a plate glass window.
Okay, everybody.
I have two announcements, both good news.
First, the guy who found the beak in his sandwich is not suing, and second, I'm gonna pop the question to Sophie.
Well, you've already popped everything else.
What do you think? They say diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Oh, really? I thought a girl's best friend was someone just a little fatter than her.
It was my grandma's from Russia.
I had my cousin Svela swallow it to bring it to America.
She passed customs, then she passed this.
Five, six rinses later, boom! Duty free.
Well, I guess that's better than getting it at Kay.
Is Sophie expecting it? Of course.
She doesn't like surprises since her family barn was torched by a mentally unstable farmhand.
Hi, I have a delivery for Caroline Channing from Martin Channing.
Oh, it's a birthday gift from my daddy all the way from prison.
Last year, he made me a macaroni art picture frame.
I mean, the man once rented Miami for a friend's bachelor party.
Hey, that picture frame fed us for two days.
Yeah, well, this thing is not pasta, and it's too big to fit through the door.
And so was I three months ago.
No, really.
My seat on an airplane used to be Row Three.
There it is in the street.
A condom full of hamburger meat? Oh, my God.
Is that a Lamborghini? Wait.
Is that my Lamborghini? Yeah, it's a Lamborghini Aventador Roadster.
Wow.
Prison arts and crafts has gotten pretty fancy.
Well, it takes four years for these cars to be custom-made.
This one was ordered in 2011.
That's right, my father ordered this for me when he still had money.
Correction: When he had everyone else's money.
All my father ever gave me was that one iffy chromosome.
Well, here you go.
It's all yours.
I'm gonna walk home.
It's all about healthy choices.
I got a car! We got a car! Damn, someone painted the Batmobile white.
Can't we have anything? That's a $450,000 sports car.
I know.
Add a stackable washer/dryer and a motor home, and it's like Caroline won the Showcase Showdown.
It goes from 0 to 100 in 2.
9 seconds.
And speaking of seconds, I'm getting seconds at Two Boots, and that rich bitch is paying.
Back off, Tokyo Drift.
This is our getaway car.
And by that, I mean get away from it.
You know, a car like this depreciates 50% the minute you drive it off the lot.
That's why I drive my Toyota Yaris.
Ooh la la.
Is P.
Diddy here? Wait a minute.
Is it Ted Turner? No one cool owns it.
It's Caroline's.
Now, this is the kind of car that I would say yes to anything in.
Anything except tickets to Menopause The Musical.
Oh, hey, Caroline.
Nice car.
I always liked you more than Max.
You know that, right, girl? Really? 'Cause yesterday, I heard you yell to Max, "Is Caroline turning 47 or 48? 'Cause she acts like she's 65.
" Yeah.
Yeah, I wanted to know what to write in your birthday card.
Well, everyone away from the car.
I just got off the phone with my dad.
The car is being seized in the morning.
Turns out they won't let me keep my present.
It's just like my eighth birthday when they made me return Mccaulay Culkin.
They bought you a boy? You were rich.
Oh, boy, the car's right here, and you can't even use it.
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