1
(Max) Hey, Earl.
You girls are back from Hollywood already?
Time sure does move fast.
We haven't left yet.
Time sure does move slow,
especially when you are
as high as I am right now.
There's a car waiting out
front to take us to the airport.
The only thing better than a town car
is a getting-out-of-town car.
And I came in to say
there's a car waiting for me out front,
and it's not a police car!
Ha!
I knew you two weren't going to LA.
I knew you were just pulling my chain.
You know, when I pull your chain,
you go, "Whoo-hoo-hoo.
"
No studio would fly you two cross-country
just to discuss a movie about Caroline
losing all her money.
That's almost as funny
as that time Caroline said
she reported the diner
to the health department.
Which reminds me, Han,
there's something here for you
from the health department.
Han, we really are going to LA.
In fact, they're already
talking to the Keebler Elf
about playing you in my movie.
It's between him and the Asian daughter
from "Modern Family.
"
Ha!
This is almost as funny
as that time Max said
she registered me as a sex
offender down at city hall.
Han, there's also something
here for you from city hall.
Girls, what happened?
Are you on the no-fly list too?
You hide a six-pack of
batteries in your junk once,
and you're grounded for life.
Let's just go and never look back.
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[cash register bell dings]
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
[Caroline gasps]
Oh, my God.
(Max) This can't be our room.
This is so sweet.
Is that why they call it that?
Terrace! Terrace!
Staircase! Staircase! Oh, my God.
Take a picture before they
realize there's been a mistake
and put me back in coach.
These are the only 12 steps
anyone's gonna get me to take.
Now me.
Now me.
Terrace.
Terrace.
[gasps] The view.
Oh, I need to get a
picture of me with the view.
This is so awesome.
Our view at home is
just a painting of a view
in the neighbor's apartment.
[camera shutter clicking]
Oops, careful of that railing.
Three out-of-work
actresses "slipped and fell"
from there last pilot season.
One fall is an accident, three an epidemic.
Ooh, look.
We each get a pet.
Well, I'm Lawrence, the
hotel's general manager.
I upgraded you.
You were supposed to be in
a room with two queens
well, three if I was in it.
[laughter]
Thank you so much, Lawrence.
That's really amazing of you.
But why would you upgrade us?
[scoffs] Are you nuts?
That's like asking a teacher
if there's weekend homework.
Well, I heard you were
in LA for a movie meeting,
and, well, keep me in mind.
Absolutely.
For what?
A part.
I'm also an actor.
I'm very versatile.
I can play a gay dad, a gay executive,
a gay priest.
Is there any other kind?
I can also play straight.
Just ask my ex-wife Beth.
But she really should have suspected.
We would get into such
knockdowns about the pesto.
- Lawrence, I'm confused.
- About what?
Gay guys care a lot about pesto.
Aren't you the hotel's general manager?
Yep, for the last 20 years,
until I get my big break.
So keep me in mind.
Also, Ms.
Black, your
luggage is still lost,
like me in my early f thirties.
[phone chiming]
Enjoy the place.
It's all yours.
This is Lawrence.
(both) The place is all ours!
The place is all ours!
Hi.
You have to get out
For about an hour.
Go eat.
It's almost dinnertime.
I'll put your name on the
list at our restaurant.
And I'm sorry about this.
It's just that I have an A-list movie star
who wants to have an "impromptu
private meeting" here.
Is this like a Travolta
masseuse kind of thing?
I said "A-list.
"
[Peter Bjorn and John's "Second Chance"]
Lawrence said we were on a list,
so why are we still stuck out here?
And don't blame my smelly
shirt, because Johnny Depp,
who's sitting over there, smells way worse.
Why are you two still at the bar?
Didn't you speak to Claude?
Which snotty gay guy is he?
Look, not everyone in this hotel is gay.
But Claude is
hands-down-my-pants the gayest.
I also came to apologize
for asking you for a part
without showing you my reel.
Come with me.
The Wi-Fi's better by that fountain
that Whoopi Goldberg peed in.
I'll be right back, Max
I have a feeling his reel is real short.
- Ooh, Claude? Are you Claude?
- Mm.
I'm sorry you had to
be a baby named Claude.
I'm on the list.
- Name?
- Max Black.
No.
Yes, Max Black.
Uh, no.
Yep, that's me, Caroline Channing.
I'm with her.
We're here together.
No.
Dude, don't make me hit you.
Max.
Max Black.
Max, over here.
Claude, she's with me.
Very good.
Just so you know, I'm not a hooker.
Oh, I know.
Prostitutes don't have such a tough time
getting past the maître d' here.
I'm Randy.
Sit?
And what makes you think
I would need to hire
a hooker to have dinner with?
Oh, I didn't think you were a john.
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