1
Okay, Rock Paper Scissors.
Loser has to ask the guy
in gym shorts at table 12
to stop Sharon Stoneing us his balls.
By virtue of having this conversation,
aren't we both losers?
Look who's back from Hollywood.
If it isn't ScarJo and J-Lo.
Said the guy from down low.
Can I get an autograph?
Oops, my bad still just waitresses.
Han, don't be upset just because
I'm about to make $250,000
and have a movie made about me.
Han already had a movie
made about him
"Paul Blart: Small Cop.
"
What's your movie called?
"Straight Outta A Job"?
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Subtitle sync anc corrections by
Yeah, about that?
You can't fire us now.
The money hasn't come in just yet.
After that, by all means,
please fire us
and fire us hard.
Yeah, how does firing us
on the 27th work for you?
Don't think I won't do it.
I've been wanting another Asian
in the mix for some time.
Oh, and, Han, we're gonna
need the day off tomorrow.
You just took ten days off!
No more vacation days.
Freddie Prinze Jr.
works
more than you two.
Max and I are going to
prison to visit my dad.
As part of his therapy,
he's written a musical,
and he's performing it
with the other inmates.
A musical in prison?
I'd be shaking my damn head right now
if my neck still worked.
And, again, you can
fire us on the 27th.
We're in flux now.
And as always, I'm the
one who gets fluxed.
Aw, I missed Han.
I've never heard you say that
without a crossbow in your hand.
I can't wait till we get that money.
Think of all the stuff we could buy.
[gasps] American toothpaste.
Some toilet paper so we can
stop using our bath mat.
And since we're unfreezing
our credit card,
maybe I'll get a new dress too.
The invite to this musical
said "cocktail attire.
"
A prison musical with cocktail attire?
Ah, screw it.
I'm gonna feel this tomorrow,
but mm, mm!
Mm!
Hey, everybody!
Today's the day Oleg and me find out
what kind of sex our baby's gonna have.
I beg you to rephrase that.
(Oleg) Baby, I don't want to know
if it's gonna be a boy or a girl.
I'd rather be surprised.
You know, like when you
get a hooker in Tijuana.
Boy, do I.
Or girl, do I.
Oh! We don't know, and that's the fun.
(Oleg) We're gonna have a baker
do one of those gender
reveal cakes for us.
Can you guys recommend a baker?
Uh, excuse me?
Yeah, excuse me?
What the hell is a gender reveal cake?
Like, you bake it and then
you pull its pants down?
Jeez, would it kill you
to pick up a "Rachael Ray
Every Day" once in a while?
We give the bakers a sealed
envelope with the sex.
Yeah, and then the bakers
you know, if we can find good ones
will make the icing on the inside pink
if it's a Svetlana
And blue if it's a Svetlenny.
Well, it beats the way they did it
in my town in Poland.
You were either a boy
or you had to know how to
climb back up out of a well.
Yeah.
Um, you know we're bakers, right?
Hell, yeah.
I'm baked right now.
Well, I'm dressed for my
father's prison musical.
[sighs]
Say that three times without crying.
You look good.
If those inmates weren't
hardened criminals before,
they will be once they see you in that.
What's with all the
miniature liquor bottles
you stole from the plane?
Do I have to host a tiny intervention?
I did not steal these from the plane.
I stole them from our hotel room,
the maid cart, and a few
other people's hotel rooms
when I posed as a maid.
This is part of my presentation
for my idea on how to
spend the $250,000.
Five years ago,
we were sitting on Chestnut
with our iced coffees.
I remember it like it
was five years ago.
And we said that $250,000
the exact amount of
money we're getting,
was what we needed to get
our cupcake business going.
Chestnut was so excited,
he made a little poo.
[Chestnut chuffs]
Not so little.
I remember it knocking
that cat unconscious.
Five years later,
cupcakes alone aren't cutting it.
Ouch.
But true.
Sure, they're sweet,
delicious, and chic,
but what if we add alcohol?
Which is sweet, delicious,
and expensive?
We keep the cupcake window,
but we make it into a bar too.
It's two great things put together!
Like you and me?
I was gonna say fat
people and tripping,
but yes!
We keep the cupcake dream;
we just add overpriced alcohol to it.
I love it!
We can call it Cupcakes & Cocktails.
Or, if we want to be less douchey,
we call it Dessert Bar.
That is a genius idea.
Usually when you're drunk,
your best idea is,
"Let's call Home Depot
and ask if they have caulk.
"
So we're doing it?
We're opening up a dessert bar?
Oh, we're opening up a dessert bar.
Celebratory dance?
Am I here yet?
[sniffing]
I know I'm either at Max and Caroline's
or a petting zoo.
To be clear, that horse
smell is the couch.
Oh, I just came back from the doctor,
and I have the sex of the baby,
but I don't want to see it.
So please take it from me quick
so I don't sneak a peek.
(Max) Caroline,
you hold on to this
until it's time to bake the cake.
(Sophie) Why are you giving it to her?
I mean, you really think
she can keep a secret
with that big Jim Carrey
mouth flapping all the time?
Well, you don't want me to have it.
If I know, I'll spoil it.
I have no poker face.
Neither did my mom,
which is how I became
the legal property
of the Borgata Casino.
Caroline, I'm warning you.
Don't let it slip.
Even if I beg you, don't tell me.
Okay.
Even if I come downstairs
in the middle of the night
and put a gun to your head,
don't tell me.
Okay, well, if there's a gun involved,
I'm gonna tell you.
See, Max?
That's why I didn't
want to give it to her.
Your dad wrote and
directed this thing too?
Dang, he's like the
Ben Affleck of jail.
Yikes, it says here
that the guy who was
playing "sadistic guard"
is out for tonight's performance
because someone took his eye
out with a plastic spork.
Oh, my God.
That's terrible.
We're seeing an understudy?
Oh, look! My dad's opening the show.
[piano introduction plays]
Steel bars
Steel bars on my heart
Steels bars on my soul
And there's no parole
And it tears me apart
all: Steel bars
Steel bars on our balls
Steel bars on this jail
And there ain't no bail
And nobody calls
I call him twice a week.
all: Steel bars on our balls
Steel bars on our balls
Steel bars on our balls
Steel bars
On our baaaaaalls
Oh, hell, yes!
all: 25 to life
Lots of pain and plenty of strife
Loneliness, it cuts like a knife
25 to liiiiiife
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Wow.
Well, we won't keep you
prisoner much longer.
[laughter]
So we're just gonna take
a brief intermission,
and we'll be back with the second half.
Second half? That was three hours!
That was incredible, Dad!
Especially the escape attempt scene.
Some of that violence looked
incredibly realistic.
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