1
(rock music)
Here's your grilled cheese.
No crust.
Cool.
And can you just move
your coloring materials, sir?
Look.
Pretty.
I was born during the Great Depression,
and I never saw anything as depressing
as that grown-ass white boy coloring
in the damn coloring book.
I was born during a
Def Leppard concert
And that is the most
depressing thing I've ever seen.
I'm gonna go school him.
Or, in his case, pre-school him.
Max, be gentle.
I think he's in the
middle of his terrible 32s.
Excuse me, OshKosh B'gosh.
I have a question about
your coloring book.
Why?
Oh, they're for adults.
Super Zen.
Super meditative.
Helps with stress.
You know what else helps with stress?
Sex.
And even if someone could get past
those boner-killing overalls
you ain't gonna have any
of that if you keep this up.
Not to mention, how
stressful can your life
really be if you are carefully
shading a unicorn's ass
at 3:00 p.
m.
on a Tuesday?
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
(bell dinging)
OLEG: Pickup.
Veggie wrap.
Oh, my God, he's having sex.
SOPHIE: Oh, Caroline,
don't be such a prude.
Oh, good, it's Sophie.
I was worried he was
at that bagel again.
Who says that a pregnant
woman can't have sex
on the kitchen floor of a diner?
The Health Department, Sophie.
Oh boy, sex makes me thirsty.
She just blew right past those cups.
Sophie, having sex with you pregnant
is even hotter than having
sex when you had the bird flu.
Yeah, well, you know,
I'm just as sweaty,
but I sneeze less.
Sophie, you're really not letting
this pregnancy slow you down.
You've already had more sex just today
than Caroline's had all year.
You're not even in maternity clothes.
Yeah.
Well, I don't need to wear one
of those frumpy potato sacks.
Yeah, because I'm a hot potato!
Oh.
Earl, what are you looking at?
I have no idea.
RANDY: All right, Max
It's time to have that
uncomfortable conversation again.
Okay, but I thought you
said it was a hard no
on having sex in front
of the Today Show window?
Oh, come on.
My month here is almost up.
I have to get back to
L.
A.
, and we need a plan.
We have a plan.
I use the NuvaRing I found at
the Burlington Coat Factory.
They really are more than great coats.
Max, let's get real.
Max doesn't like to talk about reality
unless it's reality TV.
Like the Cops New Orleans
episode she was on.
It's the only time Fox
has ever aired a nipple.
Uh, who ordered the Korean boy band?
Uh, can I help you?
Yeah, hi.
I'm looking for Han Lee.
'Bout yay big.
'Bout yay stupid.
You're looking for Han?
Just Han, or are you trying
to collect the whole set?
You kind of look like this
Korean pop star named Bong.
Well, my bong is from Korea.
Uh, Han is not here.
Well, if you see him, just
tell him Hwang came to say,
if he doesn't call me
back, he's got three strikes
and no balls.
Oh, he knows that.
Oh, my God, do you think Han
may be in some sort of trouble?
I'm really worried.
(phone beeps)
Oh, J.
Crew sale!
(rock music)
So, after we pay the painters,
the electrician, the plumber,
and, of course, the
bribes to the inspectors,
we have just enough money
left for what I like to call
a little "cash cush.
"
If that's cash we use for
kush, I'm excited about it.
We can't spend that money,
so pretend it's not there,
like you do with recycling bins.
(crashing)
Oh, no!
The rats are using our tarp
as their Superdome again!
I'll get the rat mallet!
HAN: No, don't get the rat mallet!
It's a talking one, get the gun.
Well, if it isn't Crouching
Loser, Hidden Virgin.
Girls, I'm in a bit of hot water.
What happened, you fell
into a tea cup again?
No, I'm in deep trouble!
You've never been in deep anything.
Well, wait, is that why
those scary-looking guys
came into the diner looking for you
and made some threats?
I remember something about
a strike and no balls.
Something about no balls?
You monsters didn't
get the precise wording
on a threat to my life?
I was a little distracted, Han.
J.
Crew claimed to have a 50% off sale,
but then I clicked on the link,
and it was an "up to" 50% sale.
Mostly on men's suiting.
Oh, do send me the link
so I can select the suit
I'll be buried in!
Because you two can't
take a damn message!
All right, Han, what is going on?
Are you really in trouble?
(car backfiring)
(screams)
Hey!
What was that?
Help me, strong, big man!
That wasn't gunshots, Han,
it was just a car backfiring.
What's going on?
Well, there's no easy way to say it.
I have a pretty substantial
gambling problem.
But Han, that's almost interesting.
Yeah, and I'm almost history!
In case you weren't following,
I'm in a lot of debt!
Han, my man, I'm here for you.
Tell us what it is.
Poker, ponies, football?
It's
ladies tennis.
Ladies tennis?
I didn't even know you played tennis.
Yeah, well, it's a vicious sport.
And I lost most of my money
on those Williams sisters.
Never trust a big butt and a smile.
You're telling me!
I thought the bad one was the good one.
How much do you owe these people?
Well, with the initial
debt and the interest,
I'm told it's in the neighborhood
of a black market kidney.
Those are pretty pricey.
I know, I have two of them.
Han, that's fascinating, yet disturbing.
Like when you use a black
light at a Red Roof Inn.
You're like an enigma.
Enigma, please.
(rock music)
Han, how dangerous can Hwang be?
His office is in a karaoke bar.
The only thing he's gonna murder
is the Hall and Oates catalogue.
Han, you have to face this bully.
And this is coming
from your biggest bully.
Now come on, do what I
say, or I'll beat you up.
Here we go.
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