1
So it has been quite a journey,
but through it all,
the key for me has been bravery
and the deep-down knowledge
that I am better than everyone else.
Uh, I'm sorry, Jillian,
what was your question?
I asked Max where she was born.
The Peekaboo Lounge on I-90.
My mom was on the pole
when I popped out and said, "Peekaboo.
"
So your movie,
The Princess and the Ponzi,
has Oscar buzz
for sound editing, but still.
Who will you be wearing
to the premiere?
Well, Jillian, the top is from
the 7-Eleven lost and found,
and the jeans I won in a knife fight,
so I didn't get specifics.
Stylist to the stars
Brad Goreski reached out.
He's a fashion policeman,
the only kind of policeman
Max hasn't been arrested by.
Anyway, our dessert bar
is catering the premiere.
We are really coming into our own.
Girls
Oh, speaking of coming into your own,
this is Han.
Are you coming to work today?
Or should I just
write down wrong orders
for customers myself?
Han, can't you see we're in the middle
of a press interview for my movie?
You can't just ignore me.
I'm not the advice of your
court-appointed lawyer.
Sounds like you guys are busy.
The movie, running this bar,
and working for that man too.
Man, right?
With us blowing up as we are,
Max and I are phasing out the diner
and deodorant that's hot to the touch.
It burns the stink away.
I'm not giving that up.
Well, that was five hours.
(chuckles) Uh, see you at the premiere.
Wait, we're phasing out the diner?
I have really gotta stop
falling asleep immediately
whenever you speak.
Max, think about it.
Why
(snores)
(Peter Bjorn and John)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
(cash register bell dings)
Han, we need to talk to you.
Yeah, we're not happy about it either.
Best-case scenario,
we wouldn't have seen you at all today.
Oh, good, a talk.
Let me save you the trouble
and just start crying.
Han, we are phasing
the diner out of our lives.
I have a stylist now.
This is our two weeks' notice,
and we need this week off
to get ready for the premiere.
I mentioned I have a stylist, right?
So you leave me high and dry?
I'm always high and dry around you.
Han, we got Bobby's sister, Denise,
to cover for us,
and she's already late.
It'll be like we never left.
(mouths word)
Whoo, sorry I'm sweaty and late.
I tried to parkour my way here.
Then I met the business
end of a parking meter.
Basically, I broke my vagina.
Where can I get a big
Ziploc bag full of ice?
Uh here.
I was keeping my kidney in it.
(upbeat music)
Now, Bobby, before stylist to the stars
Brad Goreski gets here,
we just need to do a little work
to fix up your clothes,
your hair, your face.
Also, your walk's not great.
How's my run?
'Cause I feel like doing it right now.
If you want to play stylist,
help Denise.
She tucks her sweater in
to her socks.
Oh, Denise isn't invited
to the premiere.
I can't run the risk of
being embarrassed by someone.
I mean, Earl already
asked if he could bring
his sleeping bag and his shopping cart.
(groans) We get it, Earl, you're rich.
(knocking on door)
Uh, my dress is by Beddy Spready.
It's a bedspread.
(gasps) Oh, my God, Brad Goreski!
Well, I can't prove it,
because someone just
stole my wallet outside.
All right, I gotta go get a suit
after I get my
eyelashes highlighted? Seriously?
Love you.
Both: Mm.
Love you too.
Good call on the eyelashes.
MAX: (gasps) Ooh!
First time there's been
a better rack than
mine in the apartment.
Okay, these are the choices.
They're on loan from the top designers,
and if you hurt them,
those bitches will hunt you down.
Well, if Federal Marshal
Tommy Lee Jones
couldn't find me, good luck.
That's a brand-new Zac Posen.
He gave it to me as a favor,
because we share a time
share and a love of Cher.
Over share?
You got anything over there
I won't have to shave my pits for?
Hmm, hold on.
Let me sniff around
for Shailene Woodley's
SAG Awards dress.
Oh, my God, I love it.
Oh, good eye.
That's a $10,000 dress.
And that's why it looks so lost
and afraid in this apartment.
$10,000?
I can own and operate
an Old Navy for that.
Oh, my God.
Did someone call fashion 911?
The fashion police are here!
Well, this is embarrassing.
Yes, I'm celebrity
stylist Brad Goreski.
Oh, see, I thought you
were Melissa Rivers.
Yeah, 'cause you guys
have very similar jaws.
Hey, do you style babies?
'Cause I want Barbara to be discovered
at the movie premiere.
The only baby I style is Kanye West.
Wait, are you sure
you're not Melissa Rivers?
(rock music)
(gasps)
Max, this is my reintroduction
into high society,
and you had to bring ribs for the limo?
(scoffs)
Somebody obviously was
never in a Pitbull video.
Doesn't look like we're
going anywhere in this traffic.
I'll take a road rib.
(gasps)
Max, if you get that red wine near me,
I will start singing
songs from Funny Girl,
and I will not stop.
- (sighs)
- Can I some of that
"deal with Caroline" juice?
(gasps)
(sighs)
Max, that's your third sigh.
Is my makeup not perfect?
Do even my sighs have to be about you?
Well, it is my night.
I was just thinking how
this whole movie thing
started in L.
A.
with Randy.
It's kind of sad he's not here,
and also, your makeup
is a little clowny.
Oh, no.
Yeah, well, Randy's the only person
I've ever loved or let love me.
How clowny?
(knocking)
What are you guys doing out there?
We hopped out of our cab,
because of the traffic.
Also, it was on fire.
Well, we'd invite you guys in here,
but the windows keep
going up on their own.
(elevator bell dings)
CAROLINE: (gasps)
You don't think that limo driver's
gonna eat the rest
of my coleslaw, do you?
Shh, no one says
"coleslaw" on a red carpet.
I think you hid it pretty
well in the cup holders.
Oh, my God.
Look at all this.
Oh, good, Caroline Channing.
Stay here.
It's not your time yet.
Oh, that's what the angels said to me
when I drove that dump
truck into the East River.
(elevator bell dings)
(gasps) Oh, look,
it's the star of Happy Feet.
Antarctica's that way.
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